Coma Dreams
by ClumsyAsTonks xD
Summary: Comatose, it's what the nurses called me, what they told you, the other Avengers and the small handful of people that came to visit me. I can't move, I can't smile, I can't even open my eyes! I'm completely trapped within my own head.


**Hey xD I got some reviews asking if this was based of dear Natasha, so I felt this A/N was needed.**

**Ok honestly I had not read dear Natasha before I wrote this, and that IS the truth. ****Now I know for a fact a lot of you reading this are shaking your head and thinking 'yeah right' really sarcastically in your head because after I read Dear Natasha I realised why I was getting all those reviews. **

**The story lines are almost identical! I mean seriously identical :P Well good minds think a like don't they? xD**

**So... yeah, you don't have to believe that, you can go on thinking I ripped this off 'remembering-budapest' but that IS the truth.**

** Believe what you want though, just felt I had to clear this up :D**

* * *

Comatose, it's what the nurses called me, what they told you, the other Avengers and the small handful of people that came to visit me.

I wish I could thank them, tell them their visits mean a lot, smile at them, tell them not to worry I'd be fine. I wish I could, but I can't, I can't move, can't smile, I can't even open my eyes! I'm completely trapped within my own head... and I'm, going crazy.

I wish I could tell you I love you, hold you close to me, I wish I could answer your question, squeeze your hand, tell you I'd wake up soon and we'd be back on missions together before you know it, watching each others back like we should be.

I can't though Clint, all I can do is lie here, lie here and make wishes.

So to stop me going insane I've decided to write a diary, well not actually write one that would involve moving obviously, but write one mentally, imprint it on my perfect memory so that when I wake up I can actually write it and give it to you, does that sound okay?

I feel stupid asking myself questions, but who else is there to ask them when I can't open my mouth? I know people often say it's like we can read each others minds, but this is taking it a bit far don't you think?

Anyway back to the point, my mental diary... enjoy love.

**DAY 1**

I'm still in a coma, though I don't need to point that out to you, you came and visited me. Took my hand and the time to talk to me, told me the weather and the date, things I can't know, things I always took for granted.

You asked me to open my eyes, begged me to squeeze your hand, I tried Clint, I promise I tried.

After it became apparent I wasn't going to open my eyes you started telling me how annoying Stark was, how funny it was when Steve tried to answer a mobile and read me the letter Thor had sent from Asguard. You told me how much everyone missed me and about the big party you would throw when I woke up.

You told me that you're offer still stood and that you couldn't wait for my answer, you said you'd hear it when I woke up.

That means a lot to me Clint, it means a lot that your not giving up on me, so in return I won't stop trying, I won't give up, I promise.

**DAY 2**

You showed up at 3 o'clock just like the last day, well I think it was last day, that's the problem with being in a coma, things blur together, dates and times don't seem to matter, you forget things. Time moves differently for me than it does to you... you could think of it like Narnia if your struggling to grasp that, I fear it may make these a little confusing for you, but don't give up on me, I'm trying.

It's scary Clint, my memory has always been perfect, my time-keeping impeccable, unlike a certain man of iron I could mention. Am I going insane? Is this normal?

I wish I could ask you! I know you would go find out for me

You said you'd visit me everyday until I wake up, I think you could keep me alive better than any of the doctors or medicines if I could talk to you again if I could just answer you!

**DAY 3**

You brought me Lilys, I can't believe you remembered! It must have been 4 whole years since I told you that.

We were in Hungary, undercover as Husband and Wife, I distinctly remember because it's the first time we ever done that. You were uncomfortable at the formal dance we had to attend I could tell, blushing to the tips of your ears when you had to put your hand on my waist for the Waltz, it was cute Clint... your cute.

Oops off topic again!

We took a walk in the ridiculously gorgeous gardens and you picked a white lily and tucked it behind my ear.

I told you Lilys were my favourite flower and you laughed, I never quite forgave you for that. When I asked you why you were laughing you responded with; The Black Widow, harsh and cruel in the public's eye, has a favourite flower! Furthermore her favourite flower is a Lily!

You laughed for ages about it, joking about the reaction you would get if you laid Lily's on my grave, what would people think! Probably that you'd gone mad giving the black widow such delicate and pure flowers... is it still funny now Clint? Are you still laughing?

**DAY 4**

I'm sorry, what I said the other day was mean. I hope you _are_ still laughing, I hope your still happy, you always looked back on that memory with a chuckle and a laugh, me with a scowl and a harsh retort. But I hope the memories of time we spent together still make you laugh and smile, I hope that even without me you can have a good time.

I hope you can still live on without me, I hope you've found someone to comfort you after you're nightmares, found someone to watch your back, found someone to share jokes with, someone to take my place, because if I don't wake up Clint you're going to need them who ever they may be.

I don't know what you'd say if you heard me talking like that, you still remind me everyday that when I wake up, and I will you say, that we will have a huge party with lily's and red cake, and all my favourite things. You remind me everyday of the question left unanswered.

But you don't hear what the nurses say once you're gone, they tell each other that the Romanoff girl was never waking up, so why should they keep up the pretence.

At first I was positive I would wake up... but now I'm not so sure. Help me Clint, I'm giving up.

**DAY 5**

You never came today, I started to panic... what had happened? Where were you?

When it became crystal that you weren't coming I became angry, I'm not going to lie Clint I was livid. I thought I'd been forgotten, thought you'd found someone better to share your time with, thought that the promise you made me no longer mattered, I was wrong Clint...I'm sorry.

Steve came to visit, he told me you made him promise he would, he told me how Fury had sent you on a mission. I kicked myself for being so stupid, it was bound to happen sometime!

I'm sorry Clint... I truly am. It's just hard when the only thing you look forward to is ripped away from you. God! Listen to how selfish I am! Just listen to me! When I wake up I', going to slap myself!

I can just imagine your face now if the first thing I do when I wake up is slap myself. What would you say Clint? Would you laugh? Cry? Stare at me like a was a loon? All of the above?

I guess I'll just have to wake up and find out.

Cap tried to wake me up today, it was really sweet actually. He says he remembers reading a newspaper article when he was a boy about a man who was woken by his favourite book. It works sort of like a trigger he says, when you hear something familiar it forces you back to the present... it was worth a shot he said.

He read me Eragon, it was probably the first book he saw when he walked in my room, and when he left he put earphones in my ears that were connected to my Ipod and let it on shuffle.

It was a welcome break from listening to myself think all the time! Sadly the nurses took it out when he left... but I'm sure you'll play it for me when you visit, won't you Clint?

Right now I'm sure you'll try anything, you'll try anything to wake me up.

**DAY 6 **

Today when you visited it wasn't just you, I could hear all the footsteps as you walked in the door... I was confused as hell. Who was all here? What was going on?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATASHA! Everyone shouted and I found myself doing a mental double take, it was my birthday? On the outside I didn't move of course, I stayed as still as before.

It was such a nice thing for you to do! You had baked a red cake and placed it by my bedside, I'm sure you thought the smell might wake me up... oh well it was worth a shot. Next to the cake there's a huge pile of presents, a pile of presents that I'm not able to open, a present from everyone in attendance.

One from;

You

Tony

Pepper

Steve

Bruce

Thor

Jane

Hill

It was such a sweet thought, just as sweet as you Clint. I've mentally reminded myself to give you an extra hug when I wake up, and a hug for everyone who came because if I'm being honest, which I am, I truly enjoyed myself at the party I couldn't see.

I was caught up on gossip, news, weather and sports, I found myself feeling upset when the nurse told you all visiting hours were over.

Just before you left you pressed a kiss to my forehead and whispered in my ear that you loved me, that you loved me and your question still stood, you just needed an answer.

**DAY 7**

It was just an ordinary day. What I've found since being in this coma is that people often underestimate the beauty of ordinary days, days when nothing unexpected happens, days when you stick to the routine and nothing comes flying out of the blue, like for instance the building your in falling down around you!

Yes I am, of course, referring to the incident that brought me here.

I know Fury blames himself, I know everyone blames Fury, but really it wasn't his fault. I should have checked for more detonation wires before I crossed the room, I only took his word for it that they were all gone.

Let me tell you something, they weren't! My foot snagged one which caused an alarm to blare... before I knew it the building was collapsing around me

I'm sorry Clint, I should have been more careful, I should have looked, I should have prevented this! I'm sorry love. I'm so, so, sorry. You shouldn't be going through this, you deserve and answer, you deserve a girlfriend who is actually awake, you deserve so much more than me

**DAY 8**

I got worse today. I'm so so sorry, I trying, honestly I'm trying to get better, but my body does''t seem to agree, it doesn't think breathing is all that important any more... so it stopped, I stopped breathing.

Now I'm hooked up to all sorts of new machines and under constant watch.

I heard the panic in your voice when you came in and asked what had happened, why I hooked up to so many new tubes, I heard the disappointment in your sigh when they explained what had happened. I'm sorry I did this to you, but I couldn't fight it... I had to give in.

Everything's so cloudy now, my memories are becoming all jumbled up... I forgot my my favourite colour the other day Clint! How do I stop it? How do I force myself to remember?

Every day I'm scared I'll forget what you look like, the sound of your voice, your smile, your laugh, the exact colour of your eyes, the times we spent together. I'm scared I'll forget _you _Clint! I'm terrified

They broke the news to you the other day Clint, they told you the chances of me waking up were getting less and less each day, they told you at some point down the line unless any improvement was made I'd have to be moved.

That confused you... what did they mean you asked.

They told you about PVS... you didn't know what that meant either, in fact neither did I. What I heard next truly terrified me.

The nurse told you that PVS stood for 'persistent vegetable state' they told you it was when a persons body was alive but they're brain wasn't working... you were horrified!

So am I! I'm terrified Clint, I can't live like this, I _can't live _my life like this, I just can't. I'd rather die than stay like this! I can't though can I, I can't die unless you tell nurses I can, I chose you as my next of kin, only you can make that decision.

So here's _my _question Clint, could you do it? Could pull the plug, could you turn off the life support machine?

**DAY 9**

Today it's our two year anniversary! Yes we officially started going out this day two years ago! I only wish I could celebrate it with you. You being you of course refused to accept that I was in a coma a reason not to celebrate.

In you came with your huge smile (well I couldn't actually see the smile but I could feel it radiating off you) and told me; You know what day it is today Nat? It's out two year anniversary! Did you ever think we'd make it this far? You should see how proud I am off us! Why don't you open your eyes and take a quick peak yeah?

How I wish I could Clint! How I wish I could!

But no matter I'll enjoy today silently, I'll enjoy the feeling of your hand in mine, I'll enjoy the simple fact that this time last year you were kissing me with the sunrise behind us... our first proper kiss!

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I woke up to a particularly horrible dream about being attacked, by you, as Loki. I was screaming and shouting and begging, I must have mentioned your name because I woke up in your arms. You were telling me that you would never, ever hurt me.

You could tell there was something I wasn't telling you though, some sort of secret I was keeping. Eventually you broke me and I showed the clip of me interrogating Loki.

You were so mad Clint! You stormed out the room and up on to the roof. When I joined you, you were ranting.

Ranting about how you would kill Loki, about how you could slap yourself for not seeing this sooner, about how all of this was your fault.

So I did the only thing I could that would make you shut up... I kissedyou.

t was perfect, just perfect. Kissing on the roof with the sunset coming up behind us, I couldn't have asked for a better first kiss with a better person.

I love you.

Always have.

**DAY 10**

I'm still alive, I'm still not awake and you came to visit me, I don't have much more to say today, not a lot happened.

I still can't talk, walk, smile, laugh, react to any stimulation what so ever. I still can't answer your question and I still can't see you. I still can't wake up.

Maybe it'll be soon Clint... but I'm starting to think it may never happen at all.

**DAY 11**

Merry Christmas! Or I'm sure it is Merry, I can't see it... oh well there's always next year!

You bought me a present, I can't open it and you refuse to tell me what it is, you big meanie! You threw a party in my hospital room, again not letting the small fact that I'm in a Coma get in your way!

Everyone came and you even got permission to play Christmas songs in my room, I guess the nurses must have been in a good mood.

I think the fact that we were in a hospital and I was lying motionless in a coma put a downer on your party Clint, but I enjoyed it anyway. I especially enjoyed Stark trying to teach Cap how to rave.

The party ended far to early though and it was just me and you.

Just me and you, the way I like it. They it always used to be. We were never part of a team. We never used to work with anyone else. I miss that Clint, I miss not being able to see you.

I miss all our conversations, our private jokes.

I miss your hugs, you kisses, your smile, your laugh.

I miss so much about the waking world it's unreal, unfair.

You kiss me and remind me you still need an answer (how could I forget) before wishing me Merry Christmas and heading home.

Mentally I kissed you back and threw my arms around you wearing one of those ridiculous paper hats. Mentally I answer your question before smiling and saying merry Christmas back. Mentally the world is a much better place... don't you think.

**DAY 12**

Pepper came to visit me before you today, she was happy, I could tell without opening my eyes how happy she was.

I smiled inside, Pepper deserved happiness, she deserved at after all the crap she put up with. If there was a nicest person on the planet award it should go to Pepper. She brings out the best in people, even me... and let's face it, that's hard to do!

She's getting married Clint! She's getting married to Tony! Who'd have thought? Certainly not me, even though I spend most of my time thing now.

And do you know what she asked me? She asked me to be her maid of honour! She said the wedding would be the day I was out of the hospital... she's just so sweet.

But what if the wedding doesn't happen? What if I never come out? I don't want to die in here Clint! I want to die with dignity, on a mission, fighting a dozen guys half my size, or failing to defuse a bomb on time.

Or that's how I used to want to die, recently I've wanted to die an entirely different way... in your arms at a ripe old age in our own little house by the sea.

Doesn't that sound nice Clint?

**DAY 13**

Well 13 is an unlucky number. I got worse, again. I could almost hear your heart breaking from where I lay.

You asked the nurse what you could do, the answer is nothing Clint, absolutely nothing.

This fight is between me, and me. My whole body's working against me Clint, my mind too. Slowly, very slowly I've been losing the will to live.

Which is crazy because I have so much to live for Clint. My minds just fighting against me, making every small thought a challenge. Making it hard to fight off the darkness that I can feel slowly creeping up on me.

I'm dying Clint, and I know it.

It's so hard to fight, so mentally exhausting, I don't know if I'm strong enough Clint. But I'll hold on for as long as I can, I'll hold on for you.

**DAY 14**

'Sometimes loved ones need permission to die. She's suffering Mr Barton, everyone can see it, she's suffering for you.'

That's what the nurse told you today.

You being the suborn person you are ignored them at the time. But now I can hear you thinking it over. Eventually you asked me about it.

You wanted to know if I _was_ suffering. You wanted to know if I was ready to die.

The truth is Clint I am. I'm sick of fighting myself, sick of feeling guilty for leaving your question unanswered and putting Peppers wedding on hold. I'm sick of keeping up pretences Clint, I'm ready to die, I'm ready for it all to be over.

You must have understood, you always understood me the best. You wrapped your arms around, ran your fingers through my hair, stroked my cheek and kissed me before saying two heartbroken words.

'Goodbye Natasha'.

Slowly I stopped fighting the darkness that had been creeping up on me.

Oh before I go Clint. The answer was yes, I hope you know that, how could it not be, how could I have not wanted to marry you?

**Time of death 3.56**


End file.
